As Jon says, a Sludge Bucket isn’t an image – it’s a status. Sludge Buckets are unathletic, goofy, sloppy wastes of space that are needed to either fill out a roster devoid of big men or are employed as enforcers to play tough defense and get a couple rebounds here and there. But looks are only half the equation; many players look like Sludge Buckets but are actually good, like Luke Harongody of Notre Dame and Omar Samhan of St. Mary’s. True Sludge Buckets are completely worthless and out of place on a basketball court. Some historic Sludge Buckets include Greg Ostertag (Kansas), Lorenzo Mata (UCLA) and Dave Neal (Maryland). A Sludge Bucket must meet the following criteria:
1) First and foremost, the Sludge Bucket must not have any athletic ability whatsoever. A general goofiness or awkwardness also helps. Being overweight and white helps. A skintight fade haircut seals the deal.
2) The Sludge Bucket must be a random big body sent in for short periods of time to give fouls. The key in this is that the Sludge Bucket is actually trying to play defense but can’t help clumsily fouling the other team’s talented big men. He can play serious minutes, although his impact must be either small or negative to qualify.
3) The Sludge Bucket must appear confused at all times, despite having spent hundreds of hours practicing with his team.
4) The Sludge Bucket should average a foul roughly every 2.5 minutes.
5) The Sludge Bucket is on the team because he seemingly has potential, but has never reached it and never will.
2009 Tourneybubble.com All-Sludge Bucket Team
Chas McFarland, Center, Wake Forest (7’0, 245)
McFarland returns for his senior season at Wake Forest as the nation’s leader in Missed Layups. Despite Wake Forest’s up-tempo style and a huge height advantage over his opponents, Chas averaged just 8.7 points and 5.8 rebounds per game. That is pretty good for a Sludge Bucket, but relatively horrible for a person with his size. The speed of a lumbering yeti allows McFarland to constantly be out of position on both offense and defense.
James Keefe, Forward, UCLA (6’8, 235)
Keefe fits in perfectly with Ben Howland’s rough and tumble style, effectively delivering the moving picks and uncalled blocking fouls that UCLA is known for. Keefe is especially effective at standing in the lane and jumping into players driving towards the basket and complaining about the call afterwards. His basketball skills end there, but he’s got a pretty sweet haircut.
Brian Zoubeck, Center, Duke (7’1, 260)
Great Duke teams usually have a respectable inside force (Christian Laettner, Elton Brand, Mike Gminski, Shane Battier), and Duke was not a great team last year due to Zoubeck’s lack of development. As the year wore on it was clear that Zoubeck was not a 35-minute a game center and Duke paid the price in the NCAA Tournament. Blessed with NBA size and D-II skills, Zoubeck’s career 3.6 points and 3.1 rebounds per game average conjure images of Greg Newton, and his lack of body control prevents him from using his size effectively. On the plus side, he has pie plates for hands and it doesn’t appear he has any idea of what to do on offense. Look for him in the NBA soon.
Dazzmond Thornton, Forward, JMU (6’7, 275)
A less talented Jai Lewis, Thornton pushes smaller CAA opponents around to the tune of 6.0 points and 3.2 rebounds per game. Playing primarily in the four spot, Thornton had an incredible six blocked shots over the course of last season, presumably needing to jump more than three inches off the ground, which is an accomplishment in itself. Thornton’s greatest gift is body checking 210-pound centers in CAA play, and he led the league in unintentionally hard fouls.
J.P. Gavinski, Center, Wisconsin (6’11, 255)
2009-2010 Tourneybubble.com King Sludge Bucket
The name. The size. The Bryant Reeves haircut. Wearing a cowboy hat during midnight madness. The King of all Sludge Buckets resides in Wisconsin, where the living embodiment of all that is Sludge parks himself on the bench for an average of 39 minutes per game. With career highs of two points and one block, you would be hard-pressed to find a bigger waste of space than Mr. Gavinski. There are many buckets out there, so one may question J.P.’s selection as KoaSB’s. But remember this – he sits the bench for a team comprising a bunch of worthless white guys.
